Serenity

Well the New Year has come and gone and I am slowly playing catch up.  Instead of New Year's resolutions, I found this idea to focus on one word for the year instead from my cousin Rachel at The Haney Life.  One word seems a little easier to achieve right?  It didn't take but a millisecond to think of my word for the year.  It's what I pray for in the morning and cry for at night and work for all day in between.  I just want to HEAL.  Dave and I have put our all into getting me healed in every way you could think of (and probably more).  From seeing 11 different doctors to countless library books, DVD's, support groups, internet forums, exercises, special massages, super foods, super juices, vitamins, and supplements.  I've gone lactose free, gluten free, acidic free, sometimes it feels like food free (never lost weight during the holidays like this year).  I've put up schedules, checklists, and goals around the house.  I've even eaten a box of jello everyday for the past 3 weeks without missing once because it's supposed to help build collagen (ask me about flavors, I know them all).  And it all brought me to this conclusion from the doctors:

"You are not healing.  You have shown no improvement.  You have been through extreme trauma and your body has undergone significant damage."

(insert big gusty sigh here)

And in the time I am waiting to heal, I miss out on life.  My eyes are blinded to the beauty around me and ears are deafened to the conversations because I am so focused on getting to a place where I feel better and where I'm not in pain anymore.  I go out and come home crying about how much I want to be normal like the rest of the moms I see instead of enjoying my experience for what it is.  So instead of trying to heal, here is what I've been told to do.  

Think about the old Kristin I used to be - the adventurous, carefree girl who crossed country borders alone without thinking and hiked waterfalls (even at 9 months preggo).  And then... grieve her, mourn her, let her go.  She doesn't exist anymore.  I will never be her again.  Redesign a new person who does the best she can with the body she has now.  And find peace and serenity in being that person.

Now, anyone who knows me knows that I am anything but serene.  And lately I have been a big ball of anxious, nervous energy who can still burst into tears at any mention of the DR or Kenya's seizures or giving birth.  I can't tell you how many times doctors have tried to practically shove anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds down my throat.  I'm climbing an uphill battle.  I live most every day afraid of what's to come instead of enjoying it for what it is.  I know I might never be the same.  I might always live in pain.  I might never be the mom who can give Kenya piggy back rides or teach her how to ride a bike or give her brothers or sisters.  Instead I have to find the things I can do and focus on those.  

So instead of praying for healing, this year I will pray for serenity.  That I can handle each day and make the best of it while enjoying the beauty of life around me - Kenya's giggles, my husband's embraces, Santa's antics, the pretty white snow falling down all around, family and friends who stand by through thick and thin...  This is my prayer for 2013 - what I will pray for each morning and each night and all day in between: 

"God grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change.  The courage to change what I can.  And the wisdom to know the difference."

Serenity is my word for 2013.  What is yours?