Serenity

Well the New Year has come and gone and I am slowly playing catch up.  Instead of New Year's resolutions, I found this idea to focus on one word for the year instead from my cousin Rachel at The Haney Life.  One word seems a little easier to achieve right?  It didn't take but a millisecond to think of my word for the year.  It's what I pray for in the morning and cry for at night and work for all day in between.  I just want to HEAL.  Dave and I have put our all into getting me healed in every way you could think of (and probably more).  From seeing 11 different doctors to countless library books, DVD's, support groups, internet forums, exercises, special massages, super foods, super juices, vitamins, and supplements.  I've gone lactose free, gluten free, acidic free, sometimes it feels like food free (never lost weight during the holidays like this year).  I've put up schedules, checklists, and goals around the house.  I've even eaten a box of jello everyday for the past 3 weeks without missing once because it's supposed to help build collagen (ask me about flavors, I know them all).  And it all brought me to this conclusion from the doctors:

"You are not healing.  You have shown no improvement.  You have been through extreme trauma and your body has undergone significant damage."

(insert big gusty sigh here)

And in the time I am waiting to heal, I miss out on life.  My eyes are blinded to the beauty around me and ears are deafened to the conversations because I am so focused on getting to a place where I feel better and where I'm not in pain anymore.  I go out and come home crying about how much I want to be normal like the rest of the moms I see instead of enjoying my experience for what it is.  So instead of trying to heal, here is what I've been told to do.  

Think about the old Kristin I used to be - the adventurous, carefree girl who crossed country borders alone without thinking and hiked waterfalls (even at 9 months preggo).  And then... grieve her, mourn her, let her go.  She doesn't exist anymore.  I will never be her again.  Redesign a new person who does the best she can with the body she has now.  And find peace and serenity in being that person.

Now, anyone who knows me knows that I am anything but serene.  And lately I have been a big ball of anxious, nervous energy who can still burst into tears at any mention of the DR or Kenya's seizures or giving birth.  I can't tell you how many times doctors have tried to practically shove anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds down my throat.  I'm climbing an uphill battle.  I live most every day afraid of what's to come instead of enjoying it for what it is.  I know I might never be the same.  I might always live in pain.  I might never be the mom who can give Kenya piggy back rides or teach her how to ride a bike or give her brothers or sisters.  Instead I have to find the things I can do and focus on those.  

So instead of praying for healing, this year I will pray for serenity.  That I can handle each day and make the best of it while enjoying the beauty of life around me - Kenya's giggles, my husband's embraces, Santa's antics, the pretty white snow falling down all around, family and friends who stand by through thick and thin...  This is my prayer for 2013 - what I will pray for each morning and each night and all day in between: 

"God grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change.  The courage to change what I can.  And the wisdom to know the difference."

Serenity is my word for 2013.  What is yours?

6 months

Dear Kenya,

A lot has happened in your sixth month!  That is my excuse for writing late yet again (it's the Dominican in me ;)  First things first, let me tell you about your very first Christmas!  You got to celebrate Christmas four times!  First we spent Christmas Eve at your Great Grandma Meints's house with a white elephant gift exchange and singing Christmas carols.  It was pretty easy to find white elephant gifts around this house. :)  Your dad and Uncle James enjoyed regifting an alligator back and forth that Santa attacked in Florida (someday your dad can tell you the whole story).  And you got to meet your cousin Lena that night for the first time too.

Look at this beautiful stocking that your Auntie Lisa sewed just for you, such a special gift! (this was not part of the white elephant exchange of course)

Hanging with Grandma at the Christmas party

Eyes all aglow

Your great Aunt Diane and Great Grandma Meints with your Grandma

Mama and Kenya after opening your presents (I think you were tired out)

Cousins Asher and Zoe

 I think your favorite part of this Christmas party was playing with your cousin Abram's toes.  It made you giggle all night long, I think we have a video of it to show you somewhere too! 

You've become a pro at opening gifts - after so many days of this we thought you would be expecting gifts everyday!

Family shot on Christmas Eve

In your "Baby's First Christmas" jammies on Christmas Eve

Sitting under our little Charlie Brown Christmas tree (it came hundreds of miles all the way from the u.p.!)

After you went to sleep, Daddy gave me my special present from both of you.  5 years ago on Christmas Eve your daddy got down on one knee at his house and presented me with a diamond ring.  Since mine was stolen, little did I know your daddy had been saving up money to get me a new one, and he gave it to me this year on Christmas Eve.  He is the best!

Christmas morning after opening some presents, we got ready to go to church and wouldn't you know it that Daddy and I got the time mixed up and showed up at the end of the service.  Oops!  At least we got to sing a Christmas song as everyone was leaving.  Then we went to the big DeYoung party at 2nd CRC.  They rented out the whole activity center and had tons of food and people.  Everyone was gushing over you all day in your little Santa dress.  

Here you are on Christmas day all ready to open presents!  You got a new puppy laptop from your cousin Lucy and a monkey hat from Great Grandma DeYoung!

Look at Grandpa enjoying his new gift!

Then everyone went to the special bowling tournament the DeYoungs have every year where they have all kinds of crazy tricks and challenges and someone wins a big trophy with their name engraved on it.  This year your cousins Beth and Andrew tied for first.  But instead of bowling, you and your mom and grandma came home and took a big nap instead! 

The next day it was time to get up and drive to Detroit for the next Christmas party.  But wouldn't you know it, there was a HUUUUGE blizzard! 

Helping Daddy drive through the blizzard!!

 It took us almost six hours to get there and by the time we did we were all pretty tired and cranky so we rescheduled the next Christmas party for brunch the next day, where we celebrated with your Grandma Bradshaw and the Hartmans.  You finally got to meet your cousin Landen and he was so smitten with you, giving you hugs and kisses and treating you like his little doll!  You got lots more great Christmas presents from all your fam including a new carseat!

Hanging in the Baby Bjorn with your dad is one of your all-time favorite passtimes!

Then it was time for Christmas #4 with the Dorr family which included a delicious meal cooked by Grandma Debbie and of course, more presents! (trust me, you are a pro at opening gifts now!)  I think your favorite is your new recordable book "Goodnight Moon" read to you by "Grandpops" and Grandma Debbie.

Enjoying a yummy Christmas meal cooked by Grandma Debbie

Your Auntie Megan loves you!

Hanging with your cousin Gavin

You'd think you'd be all Christmased out by now right?  Well guess who showed up next all loaded up with gifts like Santa Clause?  Your Auntie Lauren all the way from London!  It had been a few years since I'd seen her so you can bet I was sooooo excited, and she was equally excited to meet you for the first time!  And wouldn't you know it that we were so busy enjoying the day together that I didn't get a single photo of it?  But here is a picture of you wearing one of the many awesome gifts she got you.... 

That's you - a Dorr & DeYoung production - love this onesie!! :)

Then after Auntie Lauren came, we had more visitors!!  Our friends Tim and Laura Stanley and their son Abram came to visit us on their way home from NY to Minnesota.  They were some of our very closest friends when we all lived together in the DR and we have missed them so much so it was a very special visit!  And of course, we were too busy having fun again that we missed all the photo ops!!  But we had a great time eating PF Chang's and your daddy got to go out to a Lions football game too.  We can't wait to see them again.  AND to meet their new baby who is arriving this May, another baby boy! (wow lots of options popping up for arranged marriages for you huh? :)

Santa coming to welcome us home from Detroit

We finally made it back to Kalamazoo on Christmas Eve but your daddy was pretty sick and everyone was so tired that you, your dad, and your grandparents were all sleeping at midnight and so I rang in the New Year all by myself this year.  But that's okay - since you hate sleeping these days, I didn't have to wait too long for you to wake me up so I could give you a New Year's kiss.

Shortly after NewYear's was your grandma's birthday where we went out to Finley's restaurant for her free birthday steak like she does every year.

Chocolate Volcano for Grandma's birthday

Besides your first Christmas and first New Year's, you've had more firsts during your sixth month - like your first food, which was avocado!  You weren't a big fan, but are gradually warming up to solid foods.  So far your very favorite is sweet potatoes.  Your dad swears it gives you a sugar high cause you bounce up and down like crazy after you eat them.

Not much avocado made it in your mouth the first time

Grandpa says we should add salt and maybe you'd eat it better

 
You also said what we count as your first word!  You say "dadadadada" all the time!  I always try to get you to say "mama" but it's always "dada".  Your dad says that he has been whispering it in your ear at night.

Some other new things from this month are that you have your third tooth, and are working on your fourth.  This keeps us up a lot at night!  Some nights you are up 7+ times and me and your dad are walking around all day like zombies.  The family decided that when it comes to sleep, you are a Dorr and not a DeYoung cause the DeYoungs love sleep and you do not!  Also new, you are sitting up with support and many times without support!  You go girl! 

One more new thing for the new year - your dad got a new job!  He is working at Kentwood Furniture now in Grand Rapids so we will be moving back up that way someday soon, but for now are staying with Grandpa and Grandma in Kalamazoo and will be holding up the fort while they are in Mexico.

Other than that, life is just back to normal after the holidays - hanging around the house, doing lots of playing, singing songs, and making more headbands of course too!  Here are a few more photos of that...

You are not going to fit in this little tub much longer!

Little penguin!

Airplane rides with dad

New monkey jammies from Uncle Bradley

Breakfast date at Coney Island in Grand Rapids

So that's your long update from this month, I hope you enjoyed all of your firsts!  Next month, maybe you'll be crawling! (but hopefully not, cause we are not ready for it!)  Oh and one more story cause your dad insists to include at least one funny story in each of these blog entries...

This actually happened after we got home from Detroit last time after Thanksgiving but who's counting... before we left your dad and Grandpa were outside working on the car and needed a place to save the transmission fluid so they got one of my empty juice bottles out of the recycling bin and dumped it in.  A few days later your grandpa found it on the picnic table, forgot about dumping in the transmission fluid and thought it was my juice (it was called Blueberry Goodness or something like that so it looked just the same) and so he stuck it back in the fridge.  When we got home after 4 days in Detroit, I came in while Dad was unpacking the car and got my juice out of the fridge to take my vitamins and took a big gulp and.... ran to sink screaming and splashing water in my mouth and all over my face while your grandpa just laughed and laughed so hard he couldn't even explain what happened, then your dad came in and was like "What is going on??" and made me go in the bathroom to try to make myself puke and the whole time your grandpa was still laughing!  All of the family got a big kick out of that story at your dad's birthday party and now everyone asks me if I'd like transmission fluid to drink.  I thought you might like that story. (but don't ever think about playing that prank on me again, one time was more than enough and my belly was not feeling good that night!)

Okay little chica, that's all for today, I wish you a very happy 2013 year full of firsts, full of fun and memories, full of love.... I love you to the moon and back.... xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo (I could hug and kiss you forever!)

Love,
Your mama

P.S. A couple of blast from the past photos that I just found on your dad's phone that I never posted... look at how much you have grown.... (and sure does make me miss summer on cold days like today!)

 

Valentine Headbands

In case you haven't seen, Valentine headbands are here!!  You can find them on my etsy shop here:

http://www.etsy.com/shop/ShopforChange

Or shoot me an email or facebook message and we'll set up your purchase.  Here's a peek at Kenya modeling some of the headbands we have for sale....

Remember 20% of all profits from our store are given to help women in oppression around the world. So start your shopping!! :)