So it's been a while. I'm sorry for avoiding and neglecting my blog. I know everyone cares a lot about us and wants to know, how are we doing? And my usual answer is good. Kenya is alive and healthy and is a sweet little angel. We have access to quality healthcare and our medical bills so far have been paid which is a tremendous blessing. We have been showered upon with donations, gifts, and loads of love and support. We have a roof over our heads and food on the table and family who are taking good care of us. So we are blessed and God is good. I will never stop thanking and praising Him for my beautiful little miracle I get to wake up to every morning.
But then there is the question "How are you feeling?" Which I usually answer okay. Which is really not an honest answer at all. The truth is that how I feel (physically) is really not okay. The "6 month recovery period" that I thought sounded rough in the beginning would now be a miracle. With every doctor I go to, the news gets a little worse. I have a lot of internal damage, need multiple surgeries (major, risky surgeries that I don't want), and I still live in a lot of pain. It is painful to stand, to walk, to sit, to eat, to take a shower, to go to the bathroom, to pick up Kenya, to do anything. I had a 3D ultrasound yesterday of everything and they kept the screen turned away while they gasped and whispered and pointed saying "That is not normal and that is NOT normal and what happened there?", and pointing out who knows how many "defects" (whatever those are). The doctor said that by the looks of how things are inside, it is absolutely amazing that Kenya came out alive, let alone as cute as she is. :) And of course he asked, "What did they DO to you?" (only God knows all of it) because these are really "third world injuries" and, of course, "NOT normal". The repairs were put back together wrong, things are not where they are supposed to be, and my organs are (for lack of a better way to put it) not working correctly. Then he said I am not emotionally ready for all the news he has from the eval., so to "emotionally prepare myself" for my next appt. on December 18th and they'll walk me through all of it. New project for my therapist. Because yes I'm in therapy and I have post-traumatic stress disorder. There is not a day that goes by that I'm not haunted by the horror of my birth experience and my therapist is helping me work through all of the flashbacks and nightmares I have from the first 3 weeks of Kenya's life in the DR. I really understand the meaning now to "broken by birth".
The other thing the doctor told me to do is share my story. Up until now I have not shared my story too much because I have been told to "let it go", and I don't want to scare or offend people. He said "Who cares if you scare or offend people if you can save other women and their babies' lives, or save them from turning out like you?" I'm not going to help anyone from staying silent and crying alone in the dark. Having a baby abroad seemed like a fun and adventurous thing to do. It was actually a very dangerous thing to do, and if I could ever get one do-over in life, that one would be it. (this is not to say that every woman who gives birth abroad will have this experience, but I am saying that it is taking a major risk, one every woman should be aware of)
Right now I am still in the middle of this storm. But I know that all of this suffering will not be in vain and that God is going to use it somehow. So this is where I start. If I can save one other woman from the barbaric experience I had, and to have a better outcome, then it will be worth it. I have been reading the book "Half the Sky" and trying to get involved in the
Half the Sky Movement. Although some of it has hit a little too close to home and is hard to read (like the chapter on maternal mortality), it has driven a passion in me for helping all of the women who live with severe birth injuries like mine, but especially those who live through it in stark poverty while being rejected by their husbands and shunned by their communities. Someday I hope and pray I can recover enough to work toward ending the injustice surrounding childbirth in so many countries around the world, where female genital mutilation is accepted and maternal/infant mortality rates are still astronomical in the year of 2012. The 18th century techniques that were used on me and are still used on so many other women around the world everyday is outrageous and has to end.
Right now though, recovery is still my everyday fight. It's been an uphill battle. (this is why we cannot and are not going back to the DR). So I need a lot of prayers. And forgiveness... please forgive me for all of the unanswered emails, unwritten thank you cards, lack of visits to all those special people who have helped me out.. know that I do love all of you. In the beginning, wrapping myself up in projects like starting the Kenya Foundation, the Kenya Project, praying for others, writing thank you's, and any other projects in attempt to "beat" this whole thing really helped me deny what had happened to my body, but now reality has really come crashing down hard and I've really dropped the ball. But I'm still here and I'm going to keep fighting. And I appreciate your prayers.
The biggest reward in my daily fight is my sweet little girl. So I'll leave on a positive note with this video of her precious little giggles (if it works - otherwise you can find it on my facebook page :)
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Thank you to everyone who is and has been praying for our family. I'm sorry for my MIA-ness I've shown in these past couple of months. I love and appreciate each and every one of you who has helped us and it has not been overlooked.
Love,
Kristin
*Also, please no further questions right now about what I'm going through (unless you are in the medical profession or you are pregnant and I can help you by sharing my experience which I am more than willing to do). I am not comfortable with sharing all of the details of this experience yet, but I do want to start to get my story out, which I think is my first step to using this experience to help others.
